Simply Not Simple

I miss the days of 2.5 hours of rehearsals

Yesterday we had rehearsal for over six hours.  And the music director was a bitch.  Bitch, my duet partner could not SING without me there.  Asshole.

I apologize for my complete and total

lack of presence on this site and on the sites of the people who are my daily reads.  It's been 2 (3?) weeks since Bear died and I haven't really realized he's gone yet.  I just keep calling him or going to get him and then I'm flooded with memories, both good and traumatic.  Even now I'm sitting here crying for him.  I hate the way grief lets you go on thinking you're fine and then you are totally blindsided by the incomprehensible sense of loss. And yes, I know it's harder to lose a husband or a friend or a child or a parent, but it's still hard enough.

I plan on returning, I just need a priority hiatus.  Bear, storm damage, Gib's car being undrivable, me still not so patiently waiting on my raise and a raging sinus infection plus 2.5 hours of rehearsal every day of the week all adds up to a completely overwhelmed Jennifer who needs her psych meds adjusted.

Once adjusted back to a somewhat even keel, I'll be back.  Right now it's just one responsibility too many.

On a happy note

We have a new kitten who is alot of fun and has managed to ever so slightly lessen my grief over Bear.  I also get a raise and promotion, which is quite nice.  I also will be playing one of the dads (as a mom) in The Fantasticks which is cool.

It's not all bad, but it is all a little overwhelming.

And now I need a new roof

and several windows replaced from all these storms.  Also, Gib's clutch just went out in his car.

Why me?

Confessions of a city girl gone country

(for a day anyway.)  Tonight I went over to my friend's house (who is also the breeder of our dogs, dog. ugg)  Her horse finally had her filly today so we went to the barn she was boarding her at and I was a one of two people working on gentling the baby.  For a baby not even a day old she was a strong little sucker.  Then I helped them feed about 20 horses (3 were Clydesdales. awesome!)  Then HOURS later (literally) we went back to my friends house and I got to play with the puppies she has currently.  I can't wait to get my new pup although it will be a few months.  Knowing there is another one coming helps quite a bit.

Anyway I SOOOOOO want to be a country girl and always have.  I see some serious discussions in my and Gib's futures.

Manic, or recovering?

After Bear's death I spent 5 days doing projects and when those were done I made up projects to do. 

Such as a paint fight with my 16 year old.

Enjoy the photographic evidence (and be sure to note that she PAINTED ME IN MY MOUTH.  That was nastier that I would have even believed, and she should totally be grounded forever).

 

I think I may have won, although I'm sure my bathroom did not.

The war gets serious.  Since Kelsie STILL has paint on her legs and I don't have paint left anywhere (we did this all day Saturday), I call this a victory for me.  Right?

What happened to Bear yesterday

I didn't really want to put it on my memorial post, because it was not in the least a positive thing.

The thing is we don't really know what happened.  He was fine except the last couple of weeks he would occasionally skip a meal.  This was unusual for him, but not completely unheard of.  The night before he died he hadn't eaten, but Gib and I took him and Ginger out for a run and he was FINE.  There was no indication that anything was wrong.

Yesterday morning he had peed and pooped in his cage, which is also something he does occassionally, so no real reason to worry.  He was fine when I left for PT.  I got back and he had peed again and seemed a little glassy eyed, but I still honestly didn't know what was happening.  The kids and I were upstairs playing with Noah's new game when I asked Macie to check on Bear.  She came running back upstairs saying there was blood everywhere.  He was already agonal breathing, so I kind of knew this was it, but even after taking him to the vet I kept going back to make sure he wasn't still a little alive.

I sat with my dog while he hemorrhaged to death.  He had one lucid moment where he recognized me and then he was gone.  I was howling with grief in the garage.  All we can thing of is that he ate something sharp that perforated somewhere in his GI tract.  It was a horrible experience and the kids were all home and I just wasn't able to ask them to get back, I was in too much pain.

Our lives really never will be the same.

R.I.P Bear, I will love you forever

Bear you were not just my pet, you were my friend. A strong, beautiful caring friend.

You were not just a friend, you were a friend who could kick my ass at tetherball (and football too!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_Lb2d1v8nk

Not only were you a volleyball champ, but you loved me so intensely.  I haven't felt that doggy love ever before in my life.  It's a love that is darn near human, but also drastically different.

You always wanted to be beside me:

I always wanted you beside me too:

I actually feel like you  made me a better person Bear, with your all forgiving love and perpetual trust that I would do what was right for you.  I tried so hard Bear, I tried.

 I learned so much about myself, dogs and kids.  Bear you were such a very gentle soul, but I know you would give your life for me.  I wish I could have saved yours.

Today hurts, and I don't expect tomorrow to hurt less.

Bear, you were two years eight months when you died, and that's just not enough time.We should have had you for 12 more years. I'll never be okay with you leaving us so soon. Especially when we only had you 16 months.  It's just not enough time.  It's just not fair.

My  heart is literally torn and a piece of it will never heal.  I know I'll never have another dog like you, and I'm not quite sure how I go on.  But you are forever and ever and ever in my heart.  I thank you  Bear and I love you.

Kelsie and I just auditioned

For parts in a community theatre production of the Fantasiks.  Of course there are no adult female parts as written, but I may have convinced the director to make one of the "dads" in the show a "mom" (and hopefully that mom is me), she seemed to take to the idea, so we'll see.  I have missed my theatre life like CRAZY.  I know it's just community theatre, but it's acting- so I don't care!  We will find out by Thurs.

(I've never seen the Fantastiks. I had never seen Babes in Toyland either and I was cast as the Toymaker. Repeat performance?  Hopefully)

Monkling, I'll get back to you on which mission it was.  There are 5, including the Alamo and we saw all 4 but the Alamo because I'm sure it was packed on the holiday weekend.  I have so many pics that my computer is starting to be act weird.  I need to go through approx 3000.

I am S-I-C-K today (capital letters, dashes and all)

 But I wanted to tell you how much it means to know you have NOT disappeared from my blog (yes, you are DEFO included Kim).

In gratitude I'm going to post one of the MANY pics I have from the missions in San Antonio.  The heat index was 103.5 and it was worth all five hours of picture taking,

I haven't edited this pic, I think I can make it even more stunning, but this is one of my very favorites.  Kind of "step into the light"-ish.

Back to bed now, this migraine/spider bite whatever the heck is making me sick is demanding I go horizontal again.