Simply Not Simple

I had a great post prepared in my head

But, then I went outside and jumped on the trampoline with the kids and after several falls (clumsy, remember?) and a face plant my brain is slightly scrambled.  But tomorrow expect an eloquent post on a dog who carries around a trash can lid, barks at the trampoline and prances everywhere he goes who also, slightly unexpectedly is AWESOME at Schutzhund protection work.  (And remember people, I belong to a dog club that does not believe in hard core correction, but focuses on reward for our training method)  See ya tomorrow!

I think yesterday's triad of posts came from

the insane frustration, stress and sadness that are eating at me.  (Plus the no sleep, don't forget the no sleep)  I had the mammogram in the morning, and as all my mammograms go, they don't end until the radiologist comes in and does an ultrasound.  I know this, and yet laying there by myself in the dimly lit room I can't help but be scared.  My mother had a double mastectomy at 40- I am 36.  It ended well, but that fear kind of stays and haunts me for awhile.

Also black holes on ultrasound screens bring back feelings of extreme sadness and loss, because of the two blighted ovum miscarriages I had and the days and weeks I had to continue returning for ultrasounds to see if a fetus had ever formed.  Even though black circles on a breast ultrasound are generally good news, black circles in a uterus when you are pregant are not and through my exhaustion the circles sort of combined and became the same and I felt grief staring at the screen.  It was surreal and I had a hard time staying in the right time, the here and now where cysts mean no cancer.  I came out of that a little shell shocked.

Then the teen pregnancy rant which made absolutely no damn sense because all of my feelings had wound themselves into a ball of incoherence.

Then an email from Noah's gifted teacher about how he is SO smart and contributes to class, understands the concepts, but his handwriting and spelling are way below level and we need to talk about modifying his grading.  I can't begin to tell you how much I HATE that Noah has to struggle, how much I hate that $2400 later vision therapy did not improve one single DAMN thing for him, how much I hate looking in the future and wondering how this child who could be ANYthing in the world he wanted to be may not make it to college, and that realistically he is looking at a lifetime of modifications to his education.  After already having a couple of run-ins with teachers on an elementary school level, I am not looking forward to the explantions and modifications once he is past elementary school.

And now Miranda seems to be following in his footsteps: able to read me stories above her level, and comprehending them all, and yet failing at their stupid testing and being put into extra tutoring and pullout help.

Then there's the 13 year old and his irresponsibility, the 16 year old and her damn sense of entitlement that we have apparently nurtured without noticing.  Then there is the 11 year old who will not clean her room no matter how long she is locked up in there.

I'm sure this all seems pithy, but all at once, while sleep deprived it's nearly too much for me to handle.

Holy crap! Where did that last post come from?

PMS?  Lack of sleep? I didn't even elaborate on the points I wanted to make because I got SO.DARN.MAD. 

I had a mammogram and ultrasound today, and I just have a couple of small cysts.  Thank GOD for that.

I don't have anything more to say, my brain is boiling in some hormonal slush.

Okay, so the hot man is gone from my lab, and I'm pissed

Although I ran right after he nearly saw my post,  because they were doing more film for media stories and I don't want to be a part of it.

I am not however pissed that he left, I am pissed about all this crap with Jamie Lynn Spears and what's her name Palin and everyone on BOTH sides of the issue of teenage pregnancy.

My oldest was conceived when I was 18 and NOWHERE near marriage or ready for motherhood, yet there I was.  I felt there was no choice to make- this was my child and I would stand the heat for deciding to have her.

And oh, there was heat.  I was at a very liberal school and I believe I may have been the only female EVER to actually give birth to a child while attending that school.  I got so much CRAP from almost everyone I knew that I felt  isolated and alien to all those around me.  It sure as HELL wasn't glamorized, applauded or even supported.  My own MOTHER wouldn't talk to me.

I don't think very many girls WANT to be teenaged mothers, and I'm sick to death of any media coverage of any of  it.  My GOD  it is so hard being a pregnant child.  I don't think it should be worthy of coverage of any sort because I promise you- those pregnant teens are suffering.  It is NOT a happy occassion, it is a terrifying one.  One you can't begin to comprehend without living it.  And I lived it.  I survived, my mother and I are fine now (although there will ALWAYS be resentment on my part-that part of me did not grow up), my daughter is happy and healthy, my family was completed by 4 more post wedding- post teenage children, and I'm in a mostly good place. 

But if I hear one more word about teenage pregnancy I seriously may just lose my shit!   Support is all these girls need.  Just silent support.  I'm not asking that anyone approve, I'm just saying these girls are in need.  That's all.

I firmly believe that if you haven't walked in the shoes, you can't evaluate them.

Dude, really hot hispanic type guy

is in my lab.  Whew.  I better post this now, here he comes!

Scary and stupid

Yep, those are the adjectives that define my life right now.

Scary- the fact that I had a seizure (and I've never EVER had one before) on Friday going downstairs to let my son in from school.  The poor kid watched me start shaking, fall, and continue shaking for 1-2 minutes without being able to get in to me. 

Stupid- the fact that I had a seizure on FRIDAY, and didn't call the doc until today.  I only called because of all the pressure people were putting on me to call.  I was just going to ignore it unless it happened again.  I *should* have gone to the ER.  I didn't.

Even scarier- when I put together all my symptoms like: memory loss, ocassionally being unable to recover words from memory, headaches, vomitting and now seizures.  I know what these can mean, and it scares me.

Stupid- worrying before I need to.  But I am DEFINITELY concerned.

Before and after.....

Before:

 

After:

 

What's different?

Houdini dog

We spent all day today trying to find a kennel to put in our garage to deal with the mud situation we've been having (and to give our dogs much more room than they have in their crates).

We finally, many hours and many dollars later found one we liked and brought one home.  YAY! Problem solved.

Nope, not solved. Our Houdini pushed open one gate and then tore a whole in the other within 20 minutes of putting her in it.  Time for another plan.  Ideas?

*sigh*  We tried.

My daughter is dating a guy who wears a skirt

I miss the previous skater boy :( 

It's actually a tradition for the football team- they are "Scottish Skins" and they wear their kilts to school on game day and at the football games.  The football team is the Redskins, and we have an American Indian as the mascot.  Where do the kilts come in?  Someone please enlighten me!

 

This isn't anyone I know, but can I just say that I think this easy access isn't good for a man.  My husband would never leave me alone if he knew his winkie was so close to the outside world.

As far as my daughter goes, she has liked this guy for SIX years, and  I can't help but be happy for her, kilt or not.

One of my favorite paintings...

I have been begging my mother-in-law for a painting she did of pansies (my very favorite flower) for about 5 years now.  Finally she gave it to me yesterday for my 36th birthday.  Now I don't know what to do with it because I want it in every room!  It's about 18x30 and just absolutely lovely.  She is so talented!

Here is a picture of the painting: