I have learned sad is a cascade

It starts with the loss of a loved one, which then brings back the loss of many other loved ones, which brings back horrendous sadness and mental confusion (instability?).  Every loss I've felt magnifies the loss I am dealing with now.  They come back all at once.  The one that replays in my head is the loss of my Bear.  This is literally the only death I've ever witnessed.  My precious, precious dog bled to death in his crate and I could do nothing but watch.  His 95 pounds were just too much for me to get out.  Not that the death of my dog is the worst hurt, but it is the worst mental replay, the ONLY actual visual that I have of a death, and it was a horrible, painful one.  I loved Gib's grandma, and I loved the other people I mourn, but I don't understand- why ALL?  At once?  Why can't we concentrate and grieve for the most recent loss?  Why can't we come to terms with one thing at a time?  Or is it just me?  I'm not strong when it comes to heartbreak, or feelings.  When you are abused as a child you learn to stifle SO much.  This is not a coping mechanism that works for me any more.  I am sure my counselor would be glad to hear that.  But I would have to start going back, and although I know it's best- I don't know that I want to.  I have fixed so many things that needed fixing, but there is so much more that is broken.

I need to figure out this cascade.  I need to figure out where I fit into it, how I fit into it- and how best to mourn what needs to be mourned without feeling every other emotion there is to feel.  Any suggestions?  I could use some.

Thank you, Grandma for celebrating my 37th birthday with me (even if it was 3 days before my birthday and I had to wear a flourescent orange sombrero).  Your strength in dealing with Godawful breast cancer is inspiring.  Thank you for being in my life, and thank you for making your grandson the husband that he is today.  You rock grandma.  And yes, we get the symbolism of you waiting until the 1st day of Breast Cancer Awareness month to pass on.  Believe me, we will never, EVER forget.
 

Comments

[the planet of janet]

hugs, my friend.

and chocolate.

oh, and wine ...

xoxo